ATM Procedures


1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Put window up
7 Drive off


1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Set parking brake, put the window down
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down
6 Attempt to insert card into machine
7 Reaching as far as possible, attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
19 Re-check make-up
20 Drive forwards 2 feet
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27 Release Parking Break.

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The Lecture

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

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