1. Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

24. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.