1. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
2. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
8. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
9. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
12. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
16. How come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
17. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"